"The first of Many"

I have decided to reflect on the past eight months and after a friends message to me with these words "The face you have given to sacrifice is something that many people need. The current conflicts have not required sacrifice that many
previous wars did, and as a result Americans are less emotionally
involved. The way you talk about your struggles and joys allows some of
us to find personal emotional attachment to all the news stories." I decided that I wouldn't just reflect in my journal tonight but here on our blog for everyone to read. When Michael first left I questioned my ability to raise Parker alone that was my biggest fear was being a "single" parent when all I had known was having the love and support of another parent in the house. It was something that absolutely scared me to death. Little did I know the one thing I was most scared about would be the ONE thing that kept me going. I can't lay in bed and have a bad day I have a little boy with the most beautiful hazel eyes and eyelashes that go on for days yelling "mama" every morning anxiously awaiting my footsteps coming up the stairs to snatch him up and love on him as if we have been apart for years. On days when I did not get a phone call and had expected one yet again I had a crazy little toddler to take away my worries and fears of why that phone call didn't come. I did very well with very little tears shed for the first few months. Until one day driving down the road coming home from the gym I don't know what happened but I burst in to tears literally so hard that I had to pull the car over to catch my breath. There was no song on the radio that made me sad, there was no thought in my head that caused these tears but this amazing little boy in the back seat that had grown so much since his daddy left that made me realize just how much my husband, his father, my best friend was missing out on. And how much I had missed being able to lay in bed with him at night and talk about how amazing our son is. I continued to cry for a long time, I cried over all the things Michael will miss out on and how much it will always be present that no matter how great of an event something is/was it won't be as good as it could have been because daddy wasn't there. The realization that we can never get this time back as a family and Parker will never be this age again for Michael to see was almost to much to bear. I had been sad for myself and sad for Parker at our loss of not having daddy around but I had yet to really think about how much my husband must hurt. Don't worry as I was crying I quickly grabbed my purse and pulled out a sucker for Parker, when all goes wrong suckers make it ALL better. So as he sucked on his sucker and I cried until my heart felt a little better. I picked up the pieces and told myself out loud " you had a good cry now get it back together and move on." And that is exactly what I did. I most definitely have my good and bad days but I try never to let it affect the way I raise Parker, I don't want him to look at this life as negative I want him to be proud of what his father does and in order to be that I must ensure that he has the best possible life that he can have even when his father is away. Something I have always prayed for is patience and I think God answered my prayers in the form of a deployment and a very active child. The struggles I have endured during this deployment have made me into a better person. I feel better and stronger than I have ever felt. It is somewhat of an empowering feeling to know you can handle all of it on your own, don't get me wrong I would take having my husband here WAY over empowerment;) Never have I felt more connected to my heavenly Father than now. He has carried me through this and given me opportunities to keep myself grounded and my spirits high. I know my future holds many more deployments but I also know that I can and will survive each and every one of them and hopefully better myself, my family, my faith, and my marriage through it all. I have missed my husband more than I thought possible so much at times it truly did hurt but my love for him has only deepened. I can't even begin to thank you for the prayers, the messages, and the emails sending your love, gratitude, and support. Just knowing that people appreciate the sacrifices that I, my husband, and my son are making makes it feel so worth it. So once again thank you for keeping my spirits high and continue to pray for Michael's safe return!!! Cheers to my first deployment;)